My name is Bruce and this is my Testimony

'Keep Trusting God'

*Salutations, I have written my testimony to share recently, and I did so from a certain perspective. After writing it I encountered Jesus in a new way I never had before. My testimony has changed because of that, so what you are about to read is what my testimony 'was'(past), and 'what it is now'(current) after.

I ask, please don't give up on God, because He never gives up on you. *

(past)Hello there, I will preface with "I am currently in a point of my life where I am at the most uncertain about my spiritual walk in regard to my past and whether or not what I have is 'knowledge of the Truth' or 'True actual relationship with Jesus Christ'. That is my current spiritual condition, and I will 'keep trusting God' through this until it is settled.

I was born into & raised in a 'Christian family' & I was consecrated as a baby. I remember church life from as early as 3yrs old. There was always a 'source of Christianity' in my life my entire childhood. The days of my young youth were as average as could be, with the only outliers being an absent father, a mean brother, and a biased mother rife with partiality. Until age 8 I didn't have any 'adversity', but my mom's new marriage to my stepdad brought with it my first experiences in 'human awfulness'. I innocently & naively went about my days praying & reading the Bible to deal with 'life' despite the pain & hardship.

At age 14 I had my first spiritual epiphany: "am I a Christian...a believer in the Bible because this is all I know and is how I was raised to be? WHY am I 'Christian'? I know I've thought this about others but WHAT 'is' MY FAITH???" At that point I spent about a year's time reading, praying, trying to discern, and looking for evidence regarding the validity of the existence of Jesus Christ & the faith by which He taught. I did come to my own conclusion that Christ is Lord, the risen son of God, Immanuel, and that following Jesus IS the way to God & salvation comes only through Him. After that my spiritual life definitely grew and advanced. I faced inner & outer conflict but had the knowledge to rely on God to get me through hard times. I didn't really ever have a 'coming to God moment', but rather, I've felt like I've known about God since I was very young; therein lies a problem I deal with today.

I 'gave an account' for my faith for the first real time at university when I made some new friends that were different than me. They asked why i enjoyed hanging out with them and I let them know it's because they accepted me and found me positive to have around, and they said they enjoyed having a 'religious person' that did not judge them outwardly but just accepted and cared for them unreservedly. It was a nice time and I learned a bit from that; it reinforced the concept that Jesus didnt 'stay away from the sick and the lost' but instead went TO them and ministered to their souls with love and compassion; He didn't abhor them due to being broken or lost. I believe I grew from that and still carry that lesson with me to this day.

After college I joined the military as a career path. That was my next learning experience. The aspect that I tried to express through my actions was 'work as though working for the Lord' and it showed. Many of my fellow soldiers would ask "why do you work so hard?", "what are you using that gives you so much energy?", & "why are you always so happy?". And my response was "Jesus". I chose not to cuss, dirty talk, smoke/dip/drink, or be sexually promiscuous....and it definitely stuck out to them. I realized how different 'the world' was from 'me' and what I knew as normal practice * and this is not to say that I was some pious young man who did no wrong; 'my' issues were as real as anyone else's*. I had multiple times I helped others via the Word of God and just being kind, especially in military settings such as on deployment overseas. Around my late 20's I experienced another lesson regarding "...a man's enemies will be the members of his own household" & "I have not come to bring peace, but a sword..."(Matthew 10:34-36). I realized there were many things I was doing wrong and that I had put myself into a position that was not mine to have; I could/cannot save anyone, nor can I control their lives, I must not get in the way of the will of God trying to work in their lives. {A metaphor I use to think about that time is 'I was trying to put a peg in a hole, but it wasn't the 'right' peg, and I was possibly obstructing God from being able to put the correct peg in that hole to fix their situations}. God can do more than I can & He is much stronger than I am.

I went through separation from family for the sake of safety & peace and those times still weigh on me today, but I have complete confidence that God can do anything and can work through any situation. I had bad habits develop in my life due to poor choice making also, and those are the main issues of conflict in my current spiritual walk. I came to realize that there was a possibility that the 'faith/belief' I had from youth (due to it being molded by those most influential on me my entire childhood and those people being found to be very bad and incorrect about a lot of things) could very well be 'not correct'. So, my current matter of faith is: "is my foundation of belief from youth real?" Did I have a false doctrine/faith due in part to influence and my own shortcomings? OR Have I had a real experience of God and have been 'saved' for a long time but have just been falling short due to giving in to sin but am still saved? OR Have I had salvation and lost it due to choosing sin when I knew better?

My spiritual walk has been bland in its genesis but rocky as I developed in age. Right now, I feel like I want to reconcile with God and leave it all behind so that my past doesn't drag down my spirit anymore. And I know that God is 'Mighty to save'. His mercies are made new each morning and that He truly does love us and that the saving cleansing blood of Jesus Christ can atone for all our sins. I have faith in God from the direct perspective. But the tempter uses my past to try and dissuade me from doing more for God. What I can say is that God is good all the time and He will never leave us nor forsake us. He stands true and solid through all eternity and our actions do not detract from God's greatness, he comes to us where we are in life and offers love no matter who we are because we are all precious to Him. We shouldn't allow ourselves to think we are too bad for God to love/forgive/use. HE is almighty God who can do all things and is not limited by our shortcomings. So for myself, another regular human like you reading this, I have decided to 'Keep trusting God' no matter what. And that is where I am in my daily walk. I know that God 'IS' even when I feel less. I pray that if you have doubt, let God be the focus of your days; remember Jesus and the apostles in the storm: Peter walked on the water towards Jesus even though they were surrounded by a stormy sea and he only started sinking when he took his eyes off Jesus and focused on the storm. If your eyes are truly on Jesus, the storm doesn't matter, for God is bigger than the storms of our lives. God Bless!

(current) Since writing this, in the last few weeks I have had so many new experiences; God providing new friends to be around, a new source of 'caring' and a new 'something to care about', multiple wonderful days where I actually felt nice for the first time in so long and being able to share/express things and be appreciated for it. In the last month my days have been filled with new wonderful things that have inspired a change in me and I didn't even know it was happening until yesterday. Yesterday (Sunday) I woke up to comfort & kindness. I got ready to go to church, left, and arrived there. Morning Bible study went by uneventfully.... until the end. Being called on to pray us out & for the upcoming church service, I prayed. But something about it felt....'right'; as if what I prayed and the feeling behind it were 'correct'. It kinda impressed me that I prayed like that. We all went into the sanctuary to hear God's message.

....I....can't hardly describe it....I felt...something...as I listened, I held my Bible to my chest because something was happening inside me. I began to be inspired to 'write what God was putting on my heart'. As I finished & the sermon continuing, my heart felt like a pressure all around it was building, and I began to 'feel' more. That pressure grew until my heart felt like it was pressed in from all sides like being buried in sand. The sermon ended with our pastor saying we would use the end time of service to pray as a congregation for all those in our prayer jar. I expected myself to say a small prayer at my seat then come forward and pray then go sit back down. *That is not what happened*

As I bowed my head in my hands sitting in my seat and began to pray...I knew something was happening. I began to pray without thinking of the words I was saying, just expressing to Jesus what I was feeling. I said "please, reach out and take my hand. Please pull me up from where I am, I can't do it on my own. I need you Jesus, so PLEASE OPEN THE DOORS OF MY HEART". I continued praying, asking for forgiveness, apologizing for all the wasted years and unappreciation for all God has given me, & saying thank you for showing me mercy. Still crying I lifted my head and everything looked different, as if my eyes were cleaned of an obscuring dirtiness and could now see clearly. I was smiling and crying. I have never felt that good in my entire life. This was the first time I had a 'coming to God moment'. I actually felt something. In my mind I could see my own heart and what has happened to it. My heart had been hardened, encased in a hard shell of pain, anger, and unresolved issues...and that pressure...had 'cracked open' my heart and opened my heart to 'FEEL' again. I hadn't 'felt' anything in many years, and looking back, I know that hard shell had been growing from a long time ago. I could see my heart through the big crack in that dark shell and small pieces falling away. I could 'FEEL' the flow of peace & love into and out of my heart! I was finally sure...I was saved by grace. After service concluded I said to our pastor...."I found my answer!"

Since then(today the next day) I have been able to release emotion and sincerely truly 'feel' things. Before I could not feel anything heartfelt, only a burden of past wrongs. Now I have an answer...Jesus is Lord and I want Him to be Lord of my life...I want to be in His will. I....FEEL....LOVED. My heart is healing and becoming freed from the pain of my past and I HAVE HOPE that God will continue the good work He has started! My Lord Jesus Christ is my savior and I want to follow Him.

"Keep trusting God"